Breaking Up - Affair

What does he see in her?

What does she see in him?


These are the questions we sometimes end up asking our selves, until you ponder on the question, what did you do wrong?

What do you do when you find out your spouse is having an affair or even when you suspect them of having one?

The one thing you do not do is blame yourself. There was nothing you did wrong. Just remember, you are the person you are, the person your spouse claimed to love or even care for deeply. Their straying has nothing to do with you.

If someone loves you, there is no way they would want to hurt you, no matter how small the hurt. When you love someone, you try to put their best interest at heart. You always put their needs above your your own. That's only natural, love is deeper than the actual three words. The 'I Love you' means much more when that person shows you rather than tell you. Many people could tell you they love you, but not many could actually mean it.

So we are back to the affair and you suspect your spouse of having one. They don't tell you 'good morning, good evening or even goodnight'. Sometimes those little gestures matter. You notice that there is a distance between you two, something you just can't explain anymore you just feel it in your gut that they are having an affair.
Sometimes, although you wouldn't want to face it, that may be the case.

Communication is an essential key in any relationship. It causes couples to relate to each other in a more intimate level. When ever that communication is lacking there is always a void which develops in that relationship. Communication enables you to trust your partner, it helps you out through your most vulnerable times.

There is no such thing as communicating too much. Your spouse would know you well enough to know what to say around you and find out what makes you tick.

When you begin to sense that distance between you two, you may begin to wonder... are they having an affair?
They were out later than usual, avoided eye contact and that kiss this morning was a bit distant, it was like they were too busy to just give that kiss goodbye. Who would really be busy to give a kiss that would only be for five seconds?

All those thoughts pass through your mind and you begin to sense that disconnection. You feel the urge to probably even check their messages, they were a bit conscious when they got that message when you were around and you sense that 'secret' developing. You ask them about it and they brush it off and you begin to wonder whether or not your suspicions are true.

In that case the best thing for you to do is map out how they act around you.
Do they call you just because they were thinking about you?
Do they tell you they love you?
If not by word of mouth, would you know that they love you?

DO not go up front and ask them 'Are you having an affair'. Think about it, if they went through the trouble to keep it from you, they wouldn't come out and admit it right away. Plus, you would be alerting them that you are on their trail and they would try their best to cover up their tracks. Be assertive and sure without reasonable doubt.
Say you notice the distance between the two of you and it is beginning to way down on your heart.
Most people who go outside of their relationships usually are running away from something. They have a strain in their lives that they try to keep away from you and at the same time become comfortable with not telling you about it and may even form an attachment with someone else who may be going through the same thing, someone they could relate to.
At the expense of protecting the relationship and alienating you, they also end up alienating themselves from the relationship.
That is only one aspect, but it is the general issue which emerges from couples.

When you tell them how much their distance affects you, they begin to rationalize with themselves and probably even admit the impact their distance has on you. The issue isn't the affair... yet. It is trying to figure out what went wrong, what is going through their life that makes them so detached from the relationship.
They need that person to talk to, that comforting voice of concern and care you two shared in the beginning. Think about the reason you got together in the early stages of the relationship.
Express to them how much you care, all you need is that few minutes of conversation that would get them to listen and open up.

Then 'the affair' comes to play and that would be your chance to tell them about your concerns and their continual break from the relationship.
Eye contact is important, it is another intimate detail in any relationship, just like a small touch or a slight pat on the back.

'Are you seeing someone else'?
'I have my suspicions and you are not the same person around me, you are distant'

and you ask the question again...
'Are you seeing someone else'?

Remaining calm is key there. No one benefits from shouting and hostility only leads to anger and the truth hardly ever surfaces then.
They need to see you for who you are. They need to realize for themselves what their distance has done to you and the relationship.

You may even know the answer, even before they tell you.

So you find out your spouse has had an affair and it hurts more than you would ever imagine.
You need to figure out whether or not you still love that person.
No matter how many times they may say 'I'm sorry' or even 'It wouldn't happen again', you still manage to lose that trust you two shared, because you trusted them with your heart and they broke that trust.
The question is what is best for you, what do you want.

In marriages it is much more difficult to break away from any relationship when the spouse has had an affair. The two of you made vows together and they didn't only break the vows between you two, but the foundation you two created together.

After an affair, the both of you would have to cope with mild ripples within the relationship. There would be trust issues and the thought of 'They did it once, they could do it again' would cross your mind. The one thing you have to ask yourself is 'Is is worth it'? Would you be able to mend the tear or heal that wound, in other words would you be able to 'forgive, forget and move on'?
The one thing you have to do is accept the mishap; it happened there is no going back, there is no turning the clock. What you have to negotiate is whether it stays past or it remains like a burden to carry with in the future.

You decide. Many couples have tried to get past such complications and end up making a bigger wound out of a small cut.
Moving on, isn't moving on exactly. It is being able to face up to the fact that there was a problem in the relationship and making sure the word 'affair' doesn't cause the two of you to cringe and avoid the issue at hand.

Like mentioned earlier, with respect to marriages, it is much more difficult, because you two share a great deal of history together and it is almost impossible to get up and walk away.
Maybe what you would need is occasional space, the other party should be open to you being a bit tense with them, but if they really loved you, you would eventually know and feel it in your heart and you would know then if the marriage is worth saving.

On the other hand, the less history you have together, say a one month boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, may be easier to pull away from. Though a person who is willing to stray from a relationship so early in it's stage is not worth the extra baggage.

Thought:
Do not let anyone tell you what is best for you, you are the only person that would know that. No one person should tell what to think or feel, you are the one in control of your emotions.


Lexa your classic adviser. Leave me a comment and stay tuned for more...

Email: lexabuti@hotmail.com