Thursday, October 29, 2009

Breaking Up - Emotional Affair

When it comes to affairs, there would be several different ways you can hurt the one you love, just like there are different types of affairs you could have that could have the same end result.

The recently popular hit 'Glee' has brought on new prospects of music, but mainly they pointed out two characters who essentially bare the perfect onset of an affair.

Will Schuester and Emma Pillsbury work together in high-school, but to give a brief introduction for those who would not be familiar with the show; Will is a married man who simply carries emotional feelings for Emma. Glee uses music as an essential way to relate to life and words that define it. Music is a way anyone can express themselves when they can't say it out loud.

You must be wondering how would these fictional characters reflect the true image of real life? That is simply because what they've been true, is what anyone could say they've been true. They portray the image of what others have experienced themselves. You must also pose the question to yourself, they haven't kissed or even crossed that line linked to infidelity? The answer is they have. How you may ask, because this man 'Will' has replaced his emotional feelings for his wife and has vested them into another woman. It might not be a physical affair, but it is an emotional one, frankly that one is far worse.

Putting these characters aside; you are in a relationship and you wonder if your partner in life is having an affair. The only way you would know for certain is if you realize one thing; so long as they are distant and unable to confide in you as they would, or you sense a pull from the relationship, something is wrong.

The only thing about emotional affairs is that they last forever, they stay with you for a very long time, because you took moments to get close to someone, to know them and understand and most importantly, you let them into your heart and it would be painful if you ever were away. This sounds like a marriage-almost if they weren't married to someone else.

A husband or wife would know, they would just know. If they say they don't,then it's denial.

Will and Emma gave the insight into this feed. The show presents him with a wife who he believes to be pregnant (Ignore the fake pregnancy, the fact is He Believes His Wife Is Pregnant) and subconsciously he pursues a relationship.


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Friday, May 29, 2009

Breaking Up - I don't know who you are

Why is it when you look at the one you love, you just don't feel as though you know anything about them?

Sometimes we would find ourselves asking these questions. We wonder why the one we are supposed to feel closest to, is the most distant person in our lives. You just can't figure them out.

You either see them as a complete stranger, or you have found yourself forming new relationships and they are deemed the outsider in your intimate relationship. You have a roommate, instead of a partner. Someone you live with, share the bills (if that's the case), and say the occasional greetings, without truly knowing anything about the person you have committed you entire life to. The moment you realize this disconnection from your partner, something is wrong in your relationship and you can either rectify that problem, or get out immediately!

The question of not knowing who you are with may come up, because his friends might mention a thing or two about him that you were completely surprised about, or her friends put something forward to you that you could not believe. A relationship should include the object of openness. Not many people like sharing their personal details, and of course that becomes complicated when then line is crossed and secrets are kept from your partner. Secrets are poison when you think about. You believe you hold it your partner's best interest, but really you are selfishly protecting yourself from getting hurt, because you fear what the secret would kill when it gets out.

Why is it so hard to be open though? Why can't we just speak our minds and tell the truth? Then again, why do we stay with someone we don't love? It's simple really, we all fear getting hurt. The journey of love is one you learn from and if you don't get hurt sometimes, you end up miserable, unable to trust anyone because you fear hurt. It's easier to fail in love, because you learn from it. That doesn't mean you end up in bad relationships constantly, that only means you ignore the lessons learnt and fall prey to a continuous cycle, almost impossible to get out. Getting hurt sucks, you know that but just to place an analogy ahead; if you get burned while ironing, don't you learn from that? Don't you always check to make sure the iron is unplugged before you leave? Or if you get soaked in the rain, don't you always remember to carry an umbrella in your purse whether there is rain, sun, snow, well you get it.

No one wants to get burn or soaked, but we go through those experience to know how to deal with situations like that in the future. A broken heart can be mended until the true love comes around and you grab on to it. S when you end up in a relationship where you feel like you live with a stranger, you know you can fix it. Someone's husband or wife was a stranger before they got married. It doesn't necessarily mean that there is no hope for that relationship, it just means that every moment spent with a stranger makes life less fun. The point off being in a relationship is getting to know each other and learning to love each other. If tat journey is not worth it and you just can't stand who is in your passenger seat, then it wouldn't make sense suffering through a long ride when all you are going to get is a headache at the end of it.

Always try to live every moment to the fullest, because you don't really know when love would come your way, it sometimes surprises you. At the end of the journey, the destination seems so much sweeter.

I believe this music sums up this topic...

Squander by Skunk Anansie


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Breaking Up - Where is the love?

Where is the love we had when we first fell for each other.

Where is the love in our marriage?

Why am I getting a divorce?

How did it get to this point?

These are some of the questions we ask our selves when we have reached the lowest of lows in our relationships. There is constant arguing, name calling, you probably even saw him raise that hand for you, just when anger has reached its breaking point, that is when the tears begin and your heart breaks.

A friend of mine once told me 'When you find a good man, make sure you hold him by the neck, because there are not many outside' another friend made a reference to the ladies; being a guy himself he mentioned how 'Women are the most complicated beings in the world'. We all have our stories to tell about the opposite sex, each one has their very own complexities, we just can't help it, it's built in us. Both of them had good points though., it often seems that every time we enter into a relationship; 'he's not the right guy' or 'she's not the perfect fit and it doesn't seem as though they would look like the settling down type'.

When you finally enter a relationship there would be those moments where you are just not sure, or you find yourself being in the shade and you just don't feel complete. Then you would have your other moments where you would wonder where did you find this one and how lucky you are to be in that very relationship. Sometimes those moments don't last forever and a few months later, the fighting begins, you don't really remember how it started, but you vaguely recall a completely bizarre situation and this huge fight followed soon afterward.
There would be times where you both go through the silent treatment; you avoid eye contact, you stop doing the things you usually do for them, and most of all you stop communicating all together. Let's say this goes on for a week; that is an entire week without any sort of relation, but what we don't get is the only way for a relationship to pull through, their must be that aspect of communication.

People don't want to hear a simple 'I love you' to make everything go away or a simple 'I'm sorry', anyone could say those words. You could have easily read from a book that it's good to apologize for something even though you have no idea what you did wrong, it's the only way the both of you could move on; that is complete rubbish. Relationships go far beyond words, you should be able to tell your partner you are sorry by showing them, and I don't mean going out and buy cliched flowers, chocolates, jewelry, or his favorite sports jeans in hope he would forget everything that went wrong that week, your partner would simply enjoy something that came from the heart, something they wouldn't have to ask from you to do just because... you love them. It all boils down to that, and that's only the basic part. You don't have to stress yourself, actually you shouldn't, like I mentioned before, love goes beyond words, without saying it. If you know your partner loves you even before they say those lovely three words, then you know you have something special in your life and you should hold it by the neck.

Still, there is always that possible void and you second guess whether they love you or even if you still love them. You argue a lot and you just can't find the time. Arguing results when there are unresolved issues. You know the feeling like you have something on your throat and you just can't bring it up; okay sounds a bit messy but that is how the relationship becomes after a while - messy. You argue so much, you can't remember the last time you had a decent conversation. You can't even remember the last time you said you loved each other and you find yourself falling out of love because you grow to dislike this person you constantly fight with. No one wants to be with someone that constantly makes them miserable. Every time you come home you know you are going to roll your eyes and hold your head from the instant headache you would receive from living with this person, soon they become just an annoying roommate you want to get rid of and it's sad when you start to think that way.

"There was a time when I believed that he was the one, now I don't even know who he is anymore"

"She told me she loved me the very first day we met, since then I don't know how she feels about me now"

"I can't believe it's over, I always thought we would be together forever"

"Do I love him?"

"Does she love me?"

These were some of the comments made when I observed how my friends relationships were souring and I always remembered how they used to be when they started going out; happy, in love. It always surprised me knowing them for so long and watching them grow apart.

I always applauded my parents for being married forty years and still going. They remind me of the times I knew what true love was about and I still see it in them. They argued mostly about my brothers and their tom boy ways growing up; always getting into trouble, but that was it.

Times are different, relationships have changed from long, long ago, we no longer focus on the little details anymore because let's face it, times are hard, you barely cope with your job and you come home stressed out so much that you spend very minimum time with each other. That's how it is, out of our hands, out of reach.

I don't believe that though. Sure work can be a drag at times, but I would look forward to spending a peaceful night with the one I love even if it's for a short time. I would remember the fact that I kissed him about twenty minutes ago and that would still be a short time.
Time feels as though it runs out on us and that there are only so many minutes in a day, but you make the most of it.

Yet if I have had a stressful day at work and I come home to a saddened lifestyle beyond repair, then what's the use of that; being unhappy and miserable and uncomfortable in your own home, there are times when you just know when a relationship is over and other times where you wait out the days hoping tomorrow would be different, but how could it especially when you do nothing. Nothing comes from doing nothing.

Where is the love?

The question should be 'Is this love?'

If you find yourself asking Is this love, then you know where you stand in your relationship, it's up to you to decide how to stop the tears.


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Breaking Up - Trust

You always second guess their move, each time they make one decision, you map out another scenario.

They mention going out with a friend or spending last night by a relative and you always find a way to have something grumbling at the edge of your throat that something doesn't really smell right.

Trust is a significant reliance on the responsibility of others to behave honorably in that you hold a strong confidence in the person you care about. You trust that person to catch you when you are at your lowest. You trust enough with everything you consider to be most valued to you.
Trust is intertwined into a deep friendship and consideration for that party involved in your life. Trust goes both ways, in that you would be able to have that person's back as well, even when they are at their lowest.

Therefore when you lack that essential trust in your relationship and you find yourself looking back to see if that person has their hands out to catch you, that relationship in itself may fall apart.

Many people find different reasons to doubt the person they are with.
Some judge based on past relationships; they were hurt many times before, over and over again they trusted and cared and constantly had an open heart and over and over again they were crushed and found that it was better to live with a closed heart than to risk being hurt again.

I remembered listening to one of Rod Stewart's songs 'No Turning Back' and toward the chorus one of the lines got me thinking...

"...ain't it better to lose in love, than to never love at all"

Isn't it better to have loved someone, to know what love was than to never have loved. People get hurt all the time. Others get burned, crushed, slapped in the face, trampled upon and it hurts like crap to be stabbed in the back by someone you truly believed you loved.

You don't close yourself off from the world or from that new person in your life, permitting yourself to watch them like a hawk because the last person you were with broke your heart and you fear the same thing would happen all over again. The one thing you learn from being hurt in relationships is what you don't do and you grow from what you've learnt. When you judge your new ;partner with old standards chances are things would remain same old same old.

No one likes some who doesn't trust them or would they ever be able to love someone who doesn't trust them.

Trust is essential.
You trust your partner to pick up the groceries, you trust them to pay the bills on time if you couldn't make it and when there is no one else you can count on, you trust them to be your shoulder to lean on don't you? It actually puts a smile on your face when you think about them and how much you can rely on your partner.

The ground rule:

Trust is an essential ingredient, if you don't put trust into your relationship it would be missing something and would fall apart without it.

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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Breaking Up - Affair

What does he see in her?

What does she see in him?

These are the questions we sometimes end up asking our selves, until you ponder on the question, what did you do wrong?

What do you do when you find out your spouse is having an affair or even when you suspect them of having one?

The one thing you do not do is blame yourself. There was nothing you did wrong. Just remember, you are the person you are, the person your spouse claimed to love or even care for deeply. Their straying has nothing to do with you.

If someone loves you, there is no way they would want to hurt you, no matter how small the hurt. When you love someone, you try to put their best interest at heart. You always put their needs above your your own. That's only natural, love is deeper than the actual three words. The 'I Love you' means much more when that person shows you rather than tell you. Many people could tell you they love you, but not many could actually mean it.

So we are back to the affair and you suspect your spouse of having one. They don't tell you 'good morning, good evening or even goodnight'. Sometimes those little gestures matter. You notice that there is a distance between you two, something you just can't explain anymore you just feel it in your gut that they are having an affair.
Sometimes, although you wouldn't want to face it, that may be the case.

Communication is an essential key in any relationship. It causes couples to relate to each other in a more intimate level. When ever that communication is lacking there is always a void which develops in that relationship. Communication enables you to trust your partner, it helps you out through your most vulnerable times.

There is no such thing as communicating too much. Your spouse would know you well enough to know what to say around you and find out what makes you tick.

When you begin to sense that distance between you two, you may begin to wonder... are they having an affair?
They were out later than usual, avoided eye contact and that kiss this morning was a bit distant, it was like they were too busy to just give that kiss goodbye. Who would really be busy to give a kiss that would only be for five seconds?

All those thoughts pass through your mind and you begin to sense that disconnection. You feel the urge to probably even check their messages, they were a bit conscious when they got that message when you were around and you sense that 'secret' developing. You ask them about it and they brush it off and you begin to wonder whether or not your suspicions are true.

In that case the best thing for you to do is map out how they act around you.
Do they call you just because they were thinking about you?
Do they tell you they love you?
If not by word of mouth, would you know that they love you?

DO not go up front and ask them 'Are you having an affair'. Think about it, if they went through the trouble to keep it from you, they wouldn't come out and admit it right away. Plus, you would be alerting them that you are on their trail and they would try their best to cover up their tracks. Be assertive and sure without reasonable doubt.
Say you notice the distance between the two of you and it is beginning to way down on your heart.
Most people who go outside of their relationships usually are running away from something. They have a strain in their lives that they try to keep away from you and at the same time become comfortable with not telling you about it and may even form an attachment with someone else who may be going through the same thing, someone they could relate to.
At the expense of protecting the relationship and alienating you, they also end up alienating themselves from the relationship.
That is only one aspect, but it is the general issue which emerges from couples.

When you tell them how much their distance affects you, they begin to rationalize with themselves and probably even admit the impact their distance has on you. The issue isn't the affair... yet. It is trying to figure out what went wrong, what is going through their life that makes them so detached from the relationship.
They need that person to talk to, that comforting voice of concern and care you two shared in the beginning. Think about the reason you got together in the early stages of the relationship.
Express to them how much you care, all you need is that few minutes of conversation that would get them to listen and open up.

Then 'the affair' comes to play and that would be your chance to tell them about your concerns and their continual break from the relationship.
Eye contact is important, it is another intimate detail in any relationship, just like a small touch or a slight pat on the back.

'Are you seeing someone else'?
'I have my suspicions and you are not the same person around me, you are distant'

and you ask the question again...
'Are you seeing someone else'?

Remaining calm is key there. No one benefits from shouting and hostility only leads to anger and the truth hardly ever surfaces then.
They need to see you for who you are. They need to realize for themselves what their distance has done to you and the relationship.

You may even know the answer, even before they tell you.

So you find out your spouse has had an affair and it hurts more than you would ever imagine.
You need to figure out whether or not you still love that person.
No matter how many times they may say 'I'm sorry' or even 'It wouldn't happen again', you still manage to lose that trust you two shared, because you trusted them with your heart and they broke that trust.
The question is what is best for you, what do you want.

In marriages it is much more difficult to break away from any relationship when the spouse has had an affair. The two of you made vows together and they didn't only break the vows between you two, but the foundation you two created together.

After an affair, the both of you would have to cope with mild ripples within the relationship. There would be trust issues and the thought of 'They did it once, they could do it again' would cross your mind. The one thing you have to ask yourself is 'Is is worth it'? Would you be able to mend the tear or heal that wound, in other words would you be able to 'forgive, forget and move on'?
The one thing you have to do is accept the mishap; it happened there is no going back, there is no turning the clock. What you have to negotiate is whether it stays past or it remains like a burden to carry with in the future.

You decide. Many couples have tried to get past such complications and end up making a bigger wound out of a small cut.
Moving on, isn't moving on exactly. It is being able to face up to the fact that there was a problem in the relationship and making sure the word 'affair' doesn't cause the two of you to cringe and avoid the issue at hand.

Like mentioned earlier, with respect to marriages, it is much more difficult, because you two share a great deal of history together and it is almost impossible to get up and walk away.
Maybe what you would need is occasional space, the other party should be open to you being a bit tense with them, but if they really loved you, you would eventually know and feel it in your heart and you would know then if the marriage is worth saving.

On the other hand, the less history you have together, say a one month boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, may be easier to pull away from. Though a person who is willing to stray from a relationship so early in it's stage is not worth the extra baggage.

Do not let anyone tell you what is best for you, you are the only person that would know that. No one person should tell what to think or feel, you are the one in control of your emotions.

Lexa your classic adviser. Leave me a comment and stay tuned for more...


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Breaking Up - Chapter One

You spend a lifetime with someone and whether or not you have known them for a day, a week, a month or even a year and more, it still feels like you have been with them for a lifetime.

That is why breaking up; ending that relationship, makes you feel as though a piece of you is going away with someone you may have even loved.

The question is why do people break-up?
The answer is not a simple one.

**Your spouse had an affair.
**There is no trust in your relationship.
**You no longer love that person as you did once before.
**You Two just separated.
**You have that feeling like you don't really know your spouse anymore.
**You found yourself falling for that guy.
**Or he just wouldn't pop the question.

There are many reasons why the 'break-up' occurs. No matter, it always hurts when things come to an end.

A friend once told me she spent twenty-five years with her live in boyfriend and one day she realized that she didn't love him as much as she used to and ended the relationship.

For her it made no sense living with someone she didn't love anymore, but she had also spent twenty-five years of her life only to realize this guy wasn't 'the one', when she could have been spending that time falling in love or even seeking adventure.

How would we know when we are in the right relationship?
Maybe in time those feelings would grow into something more.

Life is short and however we live it, we sometimes reflect towards our elderly ages and wonder, did we live it the way we wanted.
Did I fall in love?
Or even what would have been?

So we are back to the question, why do people break-up?
Simply because we are not ever sure of our own lives, constantly depending on the support of that other person, who should be called our better half.
We break up when there is that tear in the relationship that causes us not to trust that other person with our hearts completely. We fear that broken heart. No one wants to get hurt so the the best way to prevent that is to cut all ties from that person.

There is this saying that I have grown to admire.
"We take one minute to like someone, one day to love them, but a lifetime to forget the ones we love"

Breaking-up isn't easy, especially if you loved that person.

Sometimes we lack the necessary friendship in the relationship and we cause ourselves to remain detached, no one can hurt us if we are detached....

Life is a complex unit and the only person that could define who you are is yourself.

Lexa your classic adviser. Leave me a comment and stay tuned for more...

I hope I helped.

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